Don't Open Till Christmas

I've been learning lately that there are more Christmas horror movies than I once realized. Most of them are at best barely worth watching. In the case of Don't Open Till Christmas the intent seems to be to shock the viewer into remaining interested. Why else would you torment Santa Claus in haunted house dangling naked corpses before him just prior to gutting him?

Yes, this is a slasher, and the victim is Santa. OK so it's not the REAL Santa who comes down from the North Pole but rather people dressed as Santa usually so drunk they make easy prey. I guess if some lunatic is mangling Santas around town you'd have to be too drunk to know better in order to make yourself such a target.

Scotland Yard gets involved with the investigation. Inspector Harris has his eye on the boyfriend of one victim's daughter. Another detective has his eye on Inspector Harris. Along the way a stripper, a model, and a shifty reporter named Giles get tangled up in the ordeal.

I suppose some attempt is made at creating a story. There's some misdirection in the investigation, suspicion of who the killer might be, and a couple of plot twists. From a literary standpoint it's weaker than Mr. Burns trying to crush a paper cup, but I suppose that can be said about most slashers, particularly obscure low-budget ones.

It doesn't help that the acting sucks. The players sound like they are reading their lines straight off the page half the time. The other half they sound like they're rehearsing rather than performing.

There's plenty to laugh at here if you enjoy poking at bad horror movies. For one thing, in this universe a single stab wound to the abdomen results in instant death. The police evidently have a radar that can detect indecent exposure from half a mile away. Wearing a thick, full-length robe will not prevent you from being arrested for indecent exposure if you're naked beneath the robe and accidentally lock yourself outside. But by golly if you like bad 70's style music you're in for a treat!

MORALITY:

There is a lot of violence against Santa Claus in this including a castration. OUCH! It's bloody and brutal as this is what the movie relies on to keep the viewer interested.

There are a few nude scenes. Surprisingly none of the nudity happens in the peep show scenes though the stripper does make references to her anatomy and makes some sexual suggestion while talking to her peeper. Some of the nudity occurs during violent attacks, one is a naked corpse, and some of the skin comes out during a scene of adultery.

Other than the sexual comments in the peep show scene there is not much of the dialogue that's questionable. There is surprisingly little strong language.

SPIRITUALITY:

Undoubtedly some people will take issue with this one because of how it treats Santa Claus. I can't say that I view Santa as sacred and therefore don't take this as any sort of attack on Christianity. Yes, some of the legend of Santa comes from a real saint, but these days he's more of a symbol of the commercialized aspects of the season than the spirituality of it. Just the same, if Christmas-themed violence particularly offends you, as it does some, you'll want to stay far away from Don't Open Till Christmas.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

I'm hard to impress when it comes to slasher flicks. I just don't enjoy shock-value cinema that doesn't have anything else to offer. This one falls squarely into that category.

#DontOpenTillChristmas