The Embalmer
- Css Darth-Sheol
- May 24, 2015
- 2 min read
I'll go ahead and say from the outset that The Embalmer is a mindnumbingly bad movie. It was so bad that when it was over I had to put in something else that I really enjoy to reclaim my sanity. I looked like a kid that has to pee standing in front of the TV ready to yank out the disc and swap it the moment the movie ended. The things I endure to write a fully-complete review.
The story takes place in Venice. Some nutcase is nabbing girls on the streets who he embalms and then displays like trophies. The police don't know what's happening to these girls. A reporter surmises that someone is taking them, but the cops laugh him off as a comic book writer. Andrea, the reporter, befriends a lovely young tourist and her friends. Members of this group turn out to be the next targets which raise the stakes for Andrea to find the culprit.
What makes the movie so bad? Let's start with crappy dialogue. Now let's compound that with terrible acting. Add a slow pace, some goofy fight choreography, and an awful musical number that I can't understand because it's not in English, and what have you got? A recipe for falling asleep on the couch!
Seriously, the song the guy plays is returning to haunt me as I write this. I suddenly feel a desperate need to grab my MP3 and set it on something loud and catchy to drown out the memories of horrible music.
Please, for the sake of your own sanity, avoid this movie!
MORALITY:
There are some violent and slightly disturbing concepts. We get the villain strangling people and some fist fighting. The girls he's nabbing are being embalmed.
There's some sexual perversion as some guy spies on women in their bedrooms at a hotel. Other than that there is nothing sexual, and no nudity. It's perhaps slightly more questionable than the average black and white flick, but that's still tame by modern standards.
I didn't notice any strong language.
SPIRITUALITY:
In the interest of preserving my sandininity we think we should b skipping to Milo my deary. Oh, crapalapadingdong, too late! Too late to say I'm sorry.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
I'm a little tree sloth slow and fuzzy. Avoid this film or you're a dummy.
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