2
(nothing)
6
(very brief but full frontal nudity)
6
(worth seeing more than once but perhaps only if you like goofy spoofs)
My DVD library tends to contain a few particular elements over all others, Star Wars related movies would be one of the main ones. How fitting that my reviews of Star Wars parodies and fan projects begin with George Lucas’ own favorite spoof, "Hardware Wars." I remember seeing this “movie” a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. I couldn’t believe it when I found it on DVD! That was back in the day when DVD bootleg copies of the holiday special and other rarities weren't around yet.
I suppose some younger Star Wars fans, if anyone, may not have ever seen this. It is, after all, almost as old as the movie it was born of, and though it's not been impossible to find, it has not exactly been in every corner movie rental place over the years either. So what exactly is it? It’s a 13 minute feature put together like a preview trailer. Narrated by Paul Frees it follows Fluke Starbucker and Ham Salad as they rescue Princess Anne-Droid from Darph Nader. Fluke learns the ways of the Red Eye Knights from Augie Ben Doggie.
Fluke: “What? Did you have a feeling like millions of voices cried out and were suddenly silenced?”
Augie: “No, just a headache.”
The whole plot of "Star Wars A New Hope" is covered from the first attack on Leia’s Blockade Runner to the destruction of the Death Star in just under a quarter of an hour. Yeah, but anybody can come up with funny names like Fluke for Luke and Ham for Han. What really sets this short film apart from others is its space scenes. It’s not called "Hardware Wars" for nothing. The Millennium Falcon is an iron, the Death Star is a waffle iron, and TIE fighters are mixers.
Besides the hilarity of seeing these things fly around like space ships the campiness is multiplied by the number of wires visible. The wires aren’t due to low budget... well, that’s not exactly true. Perhaps it would be better to say that they serve the purpose of giving the show a particular feel that would have been lessened had they been less visible. In other words, the budget constraints are irrelevant; the wires and other crappy effects are a large part of what makes this film as great as it is.
Many movies spoof plots and characters, how many have you seen also spoof the industry? "Spaceballs" has a little of that when Dark Helmet kills a cameraman, but "Hardware Wars" is wall-to-wall goofy production. You won’t walk away feeling like you learned something about life, you won’t spend hours discussing the finer nuances of the plot, but you may get a stomach ache from laughing too hard.
There isn’t much negative I can say about the film, at least within its context. I could make a big deal about how bad the effects are and how silly the acting is, but, as I’m sure you’ve figured out by now, that’s the whole point of the thing. If you can’t handle that you’re going to hate the movie.
I do wish they had spent a little more time with the final battle. I can’t figure out what Fluke is supposed to be doing (flying what serves as his X-Wing, of course, but it looks more like he's playing a video game) and the last explosion is over too quickly. I would like to have seen more of the Wookie Monster, and the hyperspace joke is a little too long. I also don’t get the rat joke, or rather, the graffiti on wall behind the rat.
These are all minor things, though. I love the cinnamon bun hair-do, the tractor beam (as in farm equipment tractors), the dune buggy in place of Luke’s landspeeder, and the flashlight-in-fog lightsabers. Plenty of laughs!
Morality
The movie itself has virtually nothing questionable at all. It might even be rated G except for 1 half-second shot of full-frontal female nudity. She looks like a Playboy centerfold thrown in I guess for the comedic value of nobody in the scene noticing.
Other than this one shot this is appropriate for all audiences.
The DVD extras may have some very mild strong language and at least one of the preview trailers included with the anniversary edition DVD includes some inappropriate violent sexuality.
Spirituality
This is pure spoofy goofiness. There's no spirituality or deep thinking here at all.
Final Thoughts
Any serious Star Wars fan HAS to see "Hardware Wars" especially if you also enjoy spoofs. You've got to be able to appreciate extremely goofy comedy, but this is a classic of low-budget movie making.
Buying Guide
The original release of "Hardware Wars" as far as I can remember was included on a tape of various comical short films the most memorable of which (other than this one, of course) was "Bambi Meets Godzilla" (a classic of indie animation if there ever was one). The DVD, though, is 100% "Hardware Wars" no matter which release you get. Paying for 13 minutes worth of movie doesn’t sound like too good a deal, but there’s a lot more content than that. Note that although there was a Special Edition version with updated graphics spoofing the retouched versions of Star Wars, it was unsanctioned and is therefore not available on DVD.
There are 3 DVD releases available now. The original first one says “the original” and is a “Collector's Edition.” After that came the 30th Anniversary Collector's Edition which also has a Christmas Special limited edition variant. I'll cover all 3 in depth in the next section. I saw a listing for a Blu edition, but I couldn't find any details on it, and I've yet to see one actually available for purchase.
Final Recommendation:
While not all of the extras are fabulous, there are some entertaining ones here. With the exception of the great new cover art I feel like the original DVD is superior to the anniversary edition with more features (most notably the digital book and the producer's comments) and a more entertaining interface although these days it's a good bit pricier and is probably not worth the extra cash for most buyers. While I'm glad I have the opportunity to tell you all there is to know about all the releases springing for the limited edition on top of what I already owned really wasn't worth the total cost. Yes, it's cool to have my favorite spoof film signed by the director, but it's not the same as meeting someone in person to get a personalized autograph. The bonus Christmas feature is amusing but not enough to really justify the price hike for this release. I advise getting the limited edition only if you are in the market for rare releases and autographed copies. Otherwise go for one of the regular DVD versions.
Edit:
When I went to look up the Blu-ray details to add them here it appeared as though neither the anniversary editon nor the limited edition were available anymore. So good luck finding anything but the original collector's edition which itself is out of print and becoming hard to find at a decent price.
The Original Collector's Edition DVD is a single disc release.
Video
1.33:
The image is a bit fuzzy and quite trashy. It's not pretty, but that fits with the character of the movie itself.
Audio
2.0 PCM:
I don't know what to tell you what the actual audio is. The package says it's 5.1 and “mono compatable” (sic). It also says that it is restored in “the incredible Digi Re-Do 8.2 format.” My player shows the audio stream as being stereo. Whatever it actually is it's thin and low quality but clear. The levels are strong, and there's enough sound in the rear channels to provide a nice fill.
The audio and video quality aren't great, but when you’re watching a movie with visible strings what do you expect? It’s still better than dealing with VHS.
Packaging
The case is standard plastic.
The interface is humorous and features animation and sound effects giving the feel of a patchwork control panel that could blow up at any second.
This version has but a single chapter.
Extras
There are about 3 times more extras than actual movie so this release takes you far beyond watching “Hardware Wars.” Be forewarned, though, most if not all these extras are just as much a parody of DVD features as the movie is of “Star Wars.”
-Prequel (5:24) This is more like an introduction than a prequel movie. When I read “prequel” I thought it would be more like Darph Nader as a kid and Augie Ben Doggie in training. Since that was what I was expecting what I got was initially disappointing though it has grown on me and cracks me up every time I watch it now. It’s called "Antique Sideshow" with a woman who has found the original film reel of “Hardware Wars” under her house and is having it appraised by an expert. The claim is made that George Lucas stole his ideas from “Hardware Wars” then had all copies destroyed. How one survived is a mystery, but it’s one of a kind. What’s it worth? I won’t tell you. This isn’t as great as the prequel I was hoping for would have been, but it’s still a lot of fun.
-Commentary: Director: This is more like a parody of commentaries than an information source. It plays out like a skit at first with him dealing with the techs then stressing out because he doesn’t know enough movie lingo to fill the whole time. Then he acts angry as he pretends he’s just now figuring out that he got ripped off by the special effects team. Some of it is pretty boring, mostly in the middle when he’s going on and on about the type of iron he bought. Other parts may be amusing or slow until the punchline hits. The disappointment here is that you get no serious information about the movie at all. I would have preferred a second commentary with some actual info about the creation process.
-Creature Features (6:07) This is probably my favorite segment other than the movie itself. I thought it was a mock TV episode, but I have since then seen information that makes me wonder if this might not have been an actual show. Either way the host is so dorky he’s fun to watch. He doesn’t have a lot of personality, but Ernie has enough for both of them. It ends up being a really comical contrast. Ernie is primarily talking about “Hardware Wars” merchandise. One is the album “Sounds of Space.” But since space is a vacuum through which sound can’t travel, the record is blank. I don’t know how Ernie keeps a straight face, but he really makes you feel like he takes this completely seriously which makes it that much more hilarious. If there’s any good reason to watch the DVD, this is it!
-Foreign Version (11:15) This is, again, just a parody. It’s a slightly different edit of the movie with a different soundtrack and gibberish replacing the dialogue (it sounds like it’s supposed to be Dutch, but obviously isn’t real). I found it mostly pretty boring.
-Director’s Cut (10:17) This one is pretty good. While the soundtrack from the film plays a string of alternate takes and bloopers play roughly following the scenes of the movie. It’s funny and gives you a glimpse, small as it may be, into what went on during the creation of the film.
-Producer's Comments (5:05) Michael, the producer, is on a college campus talking to film students about “Hardware Wars.” It’s entertaining and informative. It isn't available on any other DVD.
-Archives: These behind-the-scenes images are interesting to see, but the collection is too small. I would like to have seen more behind-the-scenes glimpses in general. This is a manual slideshow. It isn't available anywhere else.
-Hollywood Gift Catalog: This is a gag book by Ernie Fosselius. It’s the entire book as far as I can tell in a manual slideshow gallery type format. There are a lot of funny gags, and it’s fairly lengthy. It is omitted from the newer DVD's.
-Credits (0:30) A credits roll for the DVD.
-The Shooting Script: This is listed on the back as being part of the contents, but the closest we actually get is having it in the background of the Archives gallery. It's far too obscured to read so I consider it to be a MISSING feature.
My primary disappointment with the original DVD was the lack of the Special Edition. I had hoped to have it included as an extra but, no. So, as much as my wallet hated me for it, I double-dipped for the 30th Anniversary Collector's Edition in order to have it even going so far as to splurge in order to have a signed limited edition. When I watched it and found a complete lack of Special Edition I wondered how I could have made such a mistake. It turns out that some of the product listings out there DO indeed mention the inclusion of the Special Edition (I was at least relieved to know that I didn't just dream this up and go spend money on a faulty assumption), but I don't care what the listings say, the Special Edition is NOT included!
Video
1.33:
It looks to me like this one is marginally less fuzzy than the older release, but it is still quite trashy and poor quality.
Audio
2.0 Dolby:
It sounds about the same as the other one. It's low budget and sounds like a mono track but is acceptably clear. The levels are strong, and there's a pleasant fill coming through on the rear channels. If there is a difference in the sound it might be a touch more strength in the bass ranges.
Packaging
The case is standard plastic.
The interface is a plain image with audio from the first part of the show playing under it. It's rather boring and shows no real creativity like the earlier release did.
An ad plays before the interface on this one.
If there is any improvement with this release it is that chapter stops have been added. There are 8.
Extras
Many of these are the same as the Collector's Edition DVD above. I won't repeat all of the details, but I will list all of the features and note anything that's different. The features that are omitted have been noted in the list above.
-Prequel (5:23)
-Commentary: Director
-Creature Features (12:13)
-Foreign Version (11:15)
-Director’s Cut (10:16)
-Trailer (1:50) This is pretty much just the first 1.5 minutes of the film with a quick blurb about the anniversary DVD release and a shot of the new cover. This was not available on the previous DVD release.
-Previews: These are not the typical trailers but more like product ads. One of them has some suggestion of violent sexuality.
While you can get the Hardware Wars Christmas Special Limited Edition (AKA "Hardware Wars Holiday Special") through outlets like Amazon you can also get it through the Hardware Wars Shop (or you could when I originally wrote this review, the link appears to be dead now).
There are reportedly only 500 of these which are signed and numbered.
Disc 1 is the 30th Anniversary release which I already talked about above. There's no need to repeat it so I'll focus only on what is different about the limited edition.
Disc 2 is the limited portion of this set and contains the additional extras.
Packaging
This is a standard plastic case. The cover art is different, and while that is fun, the anniversary edition artwork is so amusing I was hoping it would be included in this package somewhere. It isn't and is the one thing you will miss out on if you get this version rather than the standard one.
Extras
While this should be obvious I'll note it anyway just to ensure there's no confusion. The extras list for the anniversary DVD applies to this release since disc 1 IS the anniversary DVD. So I'll only list here what's unique to the limited edition.
-How Hardware Wars Saved Christmas (6:10) This is a parody of “The Night Before Christmas.” Darph Nader has Santa hostage so Fluke and crew must save him. It's written with a goofy rhyming and and read with a bed of light Christmas music. The audio quality is poor with crackles and pops marring it. The visuals are a slideshow of "Hardware Wars" images (rather poor quality ones) photoshopped with Christmas elements to fit the story. This is only available on the 2 disc limited edition release.
