"Laser Mission" is all about a laser on a mission. No actually, it's about a mission to retrieve a laser. No, that's not right, either. It's umm.... hm.... did this movie HAVE a plot?

Oh, now I remember! A guy who knows how to make lasers is in demand. All kinds of people want him to make weapons for them and so he's on the get list of the KGB. The U.S. sends in action hero Michael Gold to bring Dr. Braun safely back to the States (supposedly before the KGB can use him for evil but undoubtedly to build a weapon for them, too). As Gold dodges gunfire and breaks out of prison he meets up with Braun's hyper-gorgeous daughter (because of course she has to be uber-gorgeous for this to be a proper action movie and show off enough cleavage to give Lara Croft a complex along the way). She sure is acting mighty suspiciously (which she tries to hide behind her cleavage).

This is cheesy action at its campiest. Most of it makes no sense; it's all about explosions and cleavage. I mean the villains have worse aim than stormtroopers trying to hit a farm boy. After raging gun battles and hours in the blazing sun the heroes don't even break a sweat. Can't have a hair out of place to make this look like there's any attempt at realism.

The action is too goofy to be exciting or tense. The acting is even worse. Ernest Borgnine and Brandon Lee are the only ones that are any good at all, but this is a long way from teh best performance for either of them. Everybody else is laughably bad.

The one thing that keeps this from being a complete wash is that there are some funny moments. Brandon as a beggar is actually pretty amusing. Beyond that you really have to love action flicks that are so bad they are comical.